i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
