I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
