i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
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When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
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I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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