my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
