I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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