Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
