why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
