No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
