So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
