i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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