I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
