Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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