Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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