Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
