doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
