this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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