I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
