the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
