Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
