im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
