my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
