I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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