upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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