is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
