Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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