I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
A+ Viking dick
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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