I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
