I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
