if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
