Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
