I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
