i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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