I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
