I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
