I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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