Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
