I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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