Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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