Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
