I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
