My friends, they love my intelligence
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
