I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
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Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
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I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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