Kareoke will never be a sober sport
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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