I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
