I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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