I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
