She is in my trunk
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
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Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
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You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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