I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.