If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.