All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
