he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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