I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
