There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
