You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
