you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm having to shit out rocks
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