Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
