Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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