Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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