Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
