I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
